A cell phone with (gasp) FEWER features!

I saw a commercial the other day. A man is standing at a counter, shouting into the void: "Why can't I get a phone that does more than just make phone calls?!"

I've done a little searching. Not much, because I'm too busy trying to format number fields in Excel. But I've been trying to find this mythical phone that just makes phone calls. I have the opposite problem this jackass is complaining about. I WANT A PHONE THAT JUST MAKES PHONE CALLS. I don't want games. I don't need email access. I don't want text messages. I don't want 6,000 ring tones.

I don't want a camera, a web browser, or a voice recorder. I don't want iTunes. I don't want a speaker phone. I don't even want a color display, if I'm honest with myself.

Why don't I want it? Because I never use any of it, even though I've paid for all of it. The speaker phone is the most useful of the features I've mentioned, but after the first week, I stop using even that.

Here's what I want:

• Nationwide long-distance. While we're at it, let's make that worldwide.
• Pay-per-minute service that I don't have to buy in advance, which isn't outrageously expensive.
• A display with 3 or 4 lines of text that is readable in room light, but which has an optional amber, green, or iPod blue backlight.
• A directory that holds some number of entries. Personally, I don't see why it couldn't be thousands, but I only need 50 or so, so choose some number between 50 and thousands.
• Call waiting
• Caller ID
• I don't care much about flip phone vs non-flip phone. I've had both and both are fine - with the following caveats: a) flip phones MUST HAVE a little window that displays the clock or the caller ID # when the phone is closed, and b) the non-flip phone must have a one-key locking mechanism that is easy to enable/disable

...and that is all. I want to pay about $30 for a phone, then pay about $20 per month to use it. Right now, I pay $85 a month for two phones, we NEVER use all the minutes we're alloted, and the phones, after rebate, cost about $100 and have way too many features. The only reason we keep them is that we got rid of our land-line phone. Land-lines are such a shitstorm of ineffeciency, magical fees, debilitating taxes, and overpriced long distance, we chose the lesser of the evils.

Are you listening, you jackass Wireless companies? I'm prepared to go without a cell phone until this kind of thing is offered. I'll bet you'd find a lot of customers (like my father) who don't have a cell phone at all, who would get one if you offered this. You wouldn't lose money on it. Your margin would be slightly smaller, yes, but look at this article. It is possible to offer something for a "lower-class" customer and still make money.

If none of this works out, I may just make a dream of mine come true: that nobody can reach me, ever, except through my work phone or email. Those are easier to screen anyway.

Of course, I could always go back to the can with the strings attached. Alex likes that well enough... why shouldn't I?